The first  “rule” that I was given by my concerned friends was this one. 

Never give out your phone number. 

To anyone that you meet on the dating site…..

……EVER…….

Okie dokie. 

I wondered how I could possibly avoid this if I want to get beyond messaging on the dating site.  After the rudimentary messaging, the phone is the primary means of communication. 

This posed quite a dilemma for me.

After much thought and discussion in my closest circle of friends, one of them finally came up with a solution.

“Here’s what you need”, said my wise friend.  “You need a “burner phone”. 

“Hmmm…….what’s that?”  I said.

“You know”, she said.  “A second phone with a different phone number.  Like the ones they use in spy thrillers.  It’s a throw away.  No one will ever be able to trace you.”

Good idea…. 

I could pretend I was a spy doing reconnaissance on men.  Now we’re talking.

So, the next day, I went to my favorite gadget place with the purpose of getting myself a “burner phone”.  Much to my surprise, the “burner phones” were really expensive.  Not only that, some of them had to be connected to my primary phone carrier.  Then, there were the different plans.  On and on it went. 

My head was spinning.

Why was this so hard?

I am not a super technical whiz, but I am a super traveler.  I remembered that I had an old, unlocked iPhone that I used in Paris on my last visit.  I bought a SIM card there and had a great phone that was cheap and easy to put into service.  What would be different about doing that here?  My “burner phone” could be my trusty iPhone that I already knew how to use.  I checked out this stellar idea with the “gadget guru”. 

“Yes.”, he said.  “That would definitely work. But, it would be easier for you to do this with your mobile phone carrier than with me. They would need to unlock the phone, which I can’t do for you.”  

Since it was clear that this was not going to be one of those “immediate gratification”  situations, I decided to head off in this direction. 

The next day, I went to my primary phone carrier.  Yes.  They were able to do this for me.  The phone was already unlocked.

Easy peazy.

Several hours later, I left my phone carrier with a brand new “burner phone”.   I also left with a brand new primary phone and a subscription to HBO Max.  They were running a special on the iPhone 12, which I had been considering for some time.  The HBO was a perk. 

Score!

And….suddenly I had 2 phone numbers….

….one for everyone I know…

…and one for everyone I don’t know….

When I got home, I couldn’t wait to get my phone set up.  I got the texting feature revved up.  But, try as I might, I just couldn’t get the voice mail to activate.  Several frustrating…and elevated….calls later with my carrier, we decided that I needed to go back to the store and have them help me.

I was frazzled and irritated.

When I went back the next day, the manager looked over my new “burner phone” and announced that the operating system on the phone was too old to be able to activate the voice mail.

“Really?!”  After all of that?  And, now I was locked into a plan.  

Ughh…..

In frustration, I decided that no one needed to leave me a message.  They could just call or text me.  If I found someone I wanted to stay in good touch with, I would break this rule and just give him my “real” number. 

Which is what I did.  But, not after I explained to these potential daters that they could text and call me on the “burner phone” number.  But, they couldn’t leave a message.  The men that were lucky enough to get my “real” number got the full explanation.  It was actually a fun icebreaker.  I told them the story about the “rules”.  I also told them that I could actually be a subversive.  They could decide on whether or not to take a chance.

A few weeks later, I relayed this crazy story to one of my younger friends.

She said, “Haven’t you heard of Google Voice? It gives you everything you need.

….and, it’s free”.

Oh.

My days of being a subversive are over. 

I will miss them. 

It was fun…..

….and, mysterious……

Onward.

My motor was running and I was on the road. 

With a few weeks of networking under my belt, I was getting a bit more comfortable with the process of how online dating worked.  I also became less sensitive to the stigma that surrounds online dating.  So, I decided to expand the scope of friends with whom I shared my online dating efforts.  All of the friends I shared this with were very supportive.  They were absolutely certain that I would, indeed, be able to find someone if this is really what I wanted. 

What a nice show of support. 

And, as an added bonus, my hopeful group of friends also reflected back to me some of their concerns.

I am a nice person

I like people and have a genuine interest in their stories.

I engage everyone.

I am empathetic caring person.

I think everyone is my friend.

My friends pointed out that while these attributes can be counted as positives most of the time, they could also play out as negatives if I wasn’t careful about how I used them.  Each person, in her own caring way, gave me a suggestion or two of how to stay safe.  

There were several areas they thought I should focus on:

1. Develop a clear focus on what I am looking for in a potential partner
2. Create a strategy of how to communicate with the potential partners.
3. Streamline messaging on the dating site.
4. Use Zoom or other video conferencing options to connect
5. Evaluate potential daters by phone first
6. Understand how meetings differ from actual dates.
7. Think about precautions to take as it relates to the pandemic

Whew!

I have to say that I would have never thought of some of these things were it not for this thoughtful group.  I just assumed I would get online and just jump in with both feet.  No real thought involved.  After some thought, I realized that my friends were right.  I can be very naive sometimes. And, I was inexperienced.  I certainly didn’t want someone to take advantage of me.  

It had been a long time since I had dated.  In full disclosure, I never really dated that much in my entire life.  I have been married twice and had a long-term boyfriend or two in between.  But, I really didn’t do a lot of dating to find them.  I just happened upon them, started going out with them as friends and before I knew it I had a long-term relationship, lived with someone or was married to someone.  I never really took the time to ponder what or exactly who I was looking for.   Nor did I consider whether this particular person would actually be good for me.  If the relationship was fun and seemed OK, I went with it.  I admit that this method hasn’t really worked for me.  As it relates to men, my “picker” is off. 

But, still I wondered if all online daters consider these areas before putting themselves out there.  I didn’t think so. 

Nevertheless, I carefully considered the advice of my friends.  Together we came up with some safety strategies that I will share in the next few posts. 

At the beginning, I kept to the points pretty closely.  But, as I got more into it, I bent the rules a bit.  Not too far, but enough.

Rules are made to be broken….right?

Armed with all of the necessary tools to begin my journey, I revved up my motor and pulled onto the dating site highway.  I decided to merge on slowly and start with just one site, eHarmony.   I wanted to get in a few practice loops.  This was a good way to start, as there was not much traffic on this road.  Slow and steady, however, proved to be very frustrating.  But, I did get a good warm up. I communicated with everyone that looked even remotely interesting.  And, I did communicate and meet some interesting men…as well as some not so interesting men.  But, try as I might, contact after contact really didn’t yield anything.

Just as I was feeling like I was incapable of continuing to move along, one of my friends suggested that I add another site.  Well, that was a great suggestion.  Why should I stick with a site that was yielding such minimal results? 

So, I added match.com.  This is where I realized that things could move quickly on the online dating highway.  Match has a much more robust group of potential daters.  Before I knew it, I started to accumulate “likes” and was getting more messages than I was able to answer. 

I’ll stop here and provide a small tutorial for those that are not familiar with how the dating sites work.  When you put your information into the profile site and activate yourself, a predetermined algorithm begins to search for other daters that are a good match for you based on your answers to basic questions.  So, you immediately begin to get suggestions from the dating site of men who closely match your profile.  Supposedly, these are your best chances to find a relationship. An email appears in your inbox that encourages a contact.

Makes good sense….right?

Mmmm…not as much…..

One morning when I checked my email, there was a picture of Santa Claus…..or maybe it was his brother.  It was unmistakable.  He had a shoulder-wide white beard that reached to his upper chest.  Peeking out from his chubby, ruddy face were eyes that had a distinctive twinkle.  Tempted as I was to clarify whether or not this was Saint Nick, I declined. 

Then, there was someone who had used a “selfie” as his primary photo.  The top of his head was cut off.  So, I couldn’t actually see what he looked like. Perhaps this is how he really looked. Maybe he didn’t have a top of the head.

Next! 

And, my favorite was the affable looking  clown.  I’m not kidding.  This guy had a line of white hair above his ears that curled up into a small flip. The line continued around his head in a circle as far as I could tell.  He had a look in his eye that made me think about “The Joker” of “Batman” fame.  

Nope!

I found this so amusing that I sent the pictures to one of my good friends. I thought she would also find this funny. I was mistaken.  Perhaps I don’t know her as well as I thought I did. 

She was incensed. 

Her response went something like this, ”How do they make these matches? There you are looking beautiful in your pictures and they send you these options?”

She was right, of course.  But, this isn’t how it works.  The computer doesn’t look at the pictures.  It considers your data input.  The computer is a machine, after all.  It can only do so much.

At this point, I realized that in order to survive this experience, I would absolutely need the “great sense of humor” that I mentioned in the last post. I might even need to develop this further, although I wondered how this would be possible for me, as most things in life make me chuckle.

The other survival skill that I would need was a better strategy for sorting through the men.  I was getting about twenty messages every day at the beginning of my search on match….and, was responding to most of them that seemed attractive in their photos. 

After some time, I learned that there is no need to send a response to everyone that liked my picture.  In fact, an experienced online dater friend counseled me not to pay attention any of the messages and likes I was getting.  Most of them are just phishing and are not great matches. 

I then had to learn to translate the lingo of someone who was looking for a “one night stand” so that I could weed out that group.  The most common of the lingo was a note after only one or two text exchanges asking if I was free for a drink later.  With this in my back pocket, I could more closely identify someone who was really looking for a longer-term relationship.

My seasoned online dating friend encouraged me to do my own sort in the database of men and make my own choices by reaching out to the men that I was interested in. This was a much better approach.  I could control the people with whom I communicated, increasing my odds of finding someone who would be a better match.

Done, done and done…..

So, I donned my thick skin, my witty repartee and hit the road…..

Now, we’re talking…….

And, talking…..and talking…..and talking……

The rubber was on the road.

….no…..really……

        ….”Who Am I?”…..

I thought I was very clear on this point. 

As a self-professed over-thinker, I have reviewed this question in a myriad of different ways….in my own mind….with friends…..with a trusted therapist…..with anyone who would listen….  I was certain I had it all figured out.  But, even with all of this contemplation, I am floundering.

Here’s the stumbling block.  I have some attributes that are, shall we say, less than desirable. 

Honestly, I can be a real handful sometimes. Every positive that I am able to muster up is matched with an equally significant negative.  It’s my nature to tell people what I know that needs improving.  I like to beat people to the punch.  Better to point out the negatives before someone finds out. 

It’s a defense mechanism….I know this. 

It’s also an especially useful tool for a perfectionist like me. 

It is very hard to overcome. But, this is not the point of the dating site profile.  All of the research that I did on how to write the profile said to stay focused on the positive.  I am retired from a career in marketing….which when you get right down to it… is really what I am doing here.  Marketing myself.  So, intellectually, as a seasoned marketer, focusing on what’s right rather than what’s wrong is a no-brainer.  But, emotionally….well….that’s another story.   After some stern talking with myself and a little time I have managed to accentuate the positives.  I figure that someone can cull out the negative things on their own later….after they know me…..and like me.  

And, they will…..   

Like me, that is…..

So, I persisted.

I am an interesting person.  Everyone says so.  Even I believe it.

And….finally….as if I had given birth, I came up with it…..a list of positive attributes that I believe define me as a person.   And, what do you know? Everyone was right.  I am a very interesting person and a great catch for someone as evidenced by these wonderful features….

…fun

….great sense of humor

…good friend

…seasoned and adventurous world traveler

…connoisseur of all kinds of food and drink

…intellectually curious

….continuous learner

….great cook

…lover of the arts…music, theater, literature and contemporary tv series and movies

…kind

….empathetic

….compassionate

…passionate

…open minded

…independent

….self-sufficient

……smart

I am also a good writer. 

So, I should be able to spin these things into a compelling story…right?

Right.

With all of this positive information in my back pocket, I was able to weave an interesting story about myself that answers the question…Who Am I?  And, I know that the catchy header I created will draw people into my page.

My next question is will this be enough for someone?

In keeping with my focus on the positive, I am going to say yes.

But, time will tell.

I am on a journey….

…..or is it?

The photograph.

 The key element of the dating site profile…

….and the thing I dreaded the most.

I am not unattractive.

But, I am not a stunning beauty.

I am also not photogenic. 

As I searched through my extensive cache of photos, I realized that finding appropriate pictures in this collection would not be an easy task. 

I sorted through the photos…..….flyaway hair….. …..fat photos…….group pictures……..sunglasses.  ….double chin “selfies”…..

No.  None of these would do.

My online research suggested that most women doing online dating have professional pictures taken.  It’s not required.  But, this would be my competition.

I’m not photogenic. 

So, on a beautiful summer evening just before sunset, I met Gina, professional photographer, in the vineyard where I work. Professional photos here I come.

In order to have the pictures taken at the vineyard, I first had to clear the use of the space with the owner.  I really didn’t want to share my plan with him.  As I discovered and continue to find, there is a negative stigma attached to online dating.  It implies that someone is desperate to find a partner. I wasn’t desperate.  But I certainly didn’t want my employer to think that I was.  So, I told him I was working on a project in the wine industry.  Of course, he wanted to know what that was.

I’m not good at fabricating stories on the fly. So, I told him. He was very nice about it…in a stigma-influenced sort of way.

Still, I was dreading the photo shoot.  Not only am I not photogenic, I am also not a snappy dresser. I’m a jeans wearin’, sweater sportin’, Plain Jane kind of gal. I didn’t want to present myself as something else.  I have never had great confidence in my ability to pick the right outfit for the right occasion.  So, my winning strategy was to put off the decision of what to wear.  In true procrastination form, I waited until the night before the photo shoot to start looking for something to wear.

Panic set in. 

I took practically everything out of my closet and laid it out on the bed.  I mixed, matched, combined and tried on everything I had over and over again.  Finally, after several painstaking hours, I landed on 3 outfits, 2 sets of jewelry and 3 scarves that I thought would do the job. 

When we got to the vineyard, Gina reviewed and approved of my selections.  What could she do about it at this point anyway now that we were in the vineyard?  There was no turning back.

As a self-professed Plain Jane, I am also not a makeup wizard….not even close.  So, I brought some makeup with me to the shoot hoping that Gina could give me some tips.  She took one look at me and said,

“Do you have ANY makeup on?  You are VERY pale.  You will need more.” 

I handed her my very meager mixture of stuff and she did the best she could to paint me up.  She said that she hadn’t used that much.   But, I felt like one of the “red light ladies”. 

In the end, Gina and I both had a lot of fun.  We even successfully negotiated the vineyard owner making his way to our location just as I was stripping down to change outfits.  There we were right in the open in the middle of the vineyard.  Gina jumped in front of me and shielded my underwear-clad body from the owner’s gaze.  And, then there was laughter…

I walked away with my dignity.  Gina walked away with a nice bottle of Pinot Noir that we had used as a prop.  The vineyard owner walked away with a glimpse of my underwear, which honestly was no bonus.

When all was said and done, I got some great pictures.  I did feel compelled to ask Gina about how much manipulation she had to do to make me look this good.  I had been very clear that the pictures needed to look like me. 

“None.”, she said,  “You look like that.” 

Oh. 

I guess photography is truth.

….in online dating…

     …..my strategy for this adventure……

         …..so many choices…….

               …..who knew?

My first assignment on this journey was to pick a dating strategy…… 

I am older. You will note that I didn’t say old.  Most of the time I feel like I am trapped in teenager-hood.  I’m not.  But, I am definitely older.

I am also retired from a professional career.  I work part time in a few local wine-tasting rooms in my area where the average age is about 25.  Unless I miraculously regress in age and perspective, I am not going to meet anyone at work.  And, we are in the middle of a pandemic.  I am not going out to a bar to find a partner, not that I would do that in a good time.  Regardless, even if I wanted to become a “bar hanger”, it is currently not an option.  The pandemic has also sorely limited my in person participation in volunteer work, another potential source.  My friends are quite supportive of my efforts.  But, this method has high potential to be awkward for all of us should a proposed relationship go awry.

The only reasonable approach seemed to be online dating.  I could sit right in my living room at home and, relatively anonymously, sort through a wide variety of men that might be interesting to meet or at least talk to.  

What could go wrong?

Only as I got into the bowels of the dating site research, did I see the first challenge. The large volume of sites that one can choose from is overwhelming.  There was something for everyone.. seniors, professionals, athletes, exercisers….. people looking for friends, a hook up, friends with benefits…..It was a bit like I feel about Las Vegas. If you can think of it, you can have it.  One would think that would be a good thing…all of these choices…….

Not so, friends. 

There was a book written on this very thing.  When people are presented with too many choices, they just don’t choose.  They walk away.

The book was not wrong.  I wanted to walk away, too. 

But, this was not an option for me.

I really wanted to do this.

….or, at least I thought I did…

I did a pretty thorough online review of the myriad of choices and solicited ideas from my group of friends.  I talked to those who had done online dating and even those who had not.  I got lots of opinions. My head was spinning.

In the end, my scientific and logical process went something like this…. 

……I wrote the names of the most popular sites on a piece of paper, got a marker, closed my eyes and placed the tip of the marker on the paper..….twice. 

I landed on eHaromy and Match.com.  

I figured it was a good place to start.

I could always change later if it doesn’t work out.

I wasn’t married to the sites, after all. 

I wasn’t married to anything.

But, we have already established that…..

How does someone of a “certain age” begin the journey of finding a partner after a long break from the world of dating?

This was my first question, and I gave it a considerable amount of thought as I stood at the side of the road and watched hopeful daters amble along.  I had been watching for a long time. I saw that most people opted for the fast pace of the online dating highway. A few took a back road and enlisted the help of their friends. Others used the familiar main street of involvement in social groups to support their searches.

It seemed to me that the method of finding someone didn’t matter too much. The journey was similar.

Individuals came together and comfortably moved along as a pair.  I watched some pairs come to a fork in the road and take different routes. I observed people as they moved in random patterns of connection and disconnection that sometimes made sense and other times did not. I watched as couples and parts of couples stepped off the road and fall into the dust on the berm. A few of them were unable to get up and return to the trail.

I wasn’t sure I really wanted to be on this path. 

Would I find someone to walk with? 

Maybe. 

Would I get hurt? 

Probably. 

Would I hurt someone else?

Possibly.

But, regardless, it was time for me to head down the road.  So, I laced up my walking shoes , chose a direction, and stepped on the path.

So far, it’s been an interesting walk, and the scenery has been quite pleasant and sometimes entertaining.

As it turns out, Wordsworth was right…one just needs to begin.